...I started to feel inspired, and then… JEALOUS! That she got to let out that WILDNESS. TOTAL EXPLORATION. FREEDOM. The ferocity that I don’t feel allowed to express in my every day life. And it is me who is not allowing it. I feel afraid of ‘looking bad’ or people thinking I’m bad, crazy, ‘less than’ as a person.
“It’s too much. Settle down. Think of the homeless people on the street. At least you have money and a roof over your head.” And it’s true. All of that is true.
But what the fuck. I realize I’m not doing myself (or the world for that matter) any favors by re-directing my attention away from my pain, or my WEIRD. And, how good is other people loving me anyway if I don’t love myself? And, are they really loving ME? Do they even know ME? How can they know me if I don't even fill out my own skin?
And that’s been my big realization this past year. I barely love myself. There are so many parts of myself I feel are "wrong." And I’ve been wondering “why” and “what do I do?” There are so many people who want to tell me how to do that. Everyone seems to have a method to "love yourself" and that is a subject for another blog post. But in any case, the one thing I feel deep in my bones is that self-discovery (and self-love) is my journey to fill out.
I was driving home tonight and was thinking, “I’d like to have a room where I can just do anything I want, express in any way,” and then I thought, “um, why do I need a room, how about I start right now.” IN THE CAR.
So, listening to my house music, I felt the inspiration move through my face, stretching it into all kinds of shapes. Stuck out my tongue. Exhaled a big fiery silent HAAAAAA and felt like a demon breathing fire. Eyes widened, my stare penetrated the license plate ahead.
After a few moments the expression passed. I was back to "regular" Laura, feeling a little lighter. I giggled at myself.
How did the expression feel?
Intense. Powerful. I felt, not human. In a way that felt so good. Different. In a new skin. Yes, I go back to my earlier assertion that there’s something constricting about acting “human.”
And is it bad to act "human"?
I just feel delighted with awareness of my actions and habits.
And I’m new to this, but I’m thinking I can experience myself and the world from a richer place if I let down my walls, even my “human” ones.
I of course understand I’m living in society. I'm not saying that I even want to run around wildly all the time. But when I’m honest with myself, there are so many moments I don’t need to be functioning from the small place I do. I'm relating to myself and others from a structure that is out of habit. Outdated.
It's not a matter of humanness or non-humanness. It's - What feels the most real here? Underneath. When I pay attention.
I may feel moved to buy a person a flower. My smaller, habituated mind would say, "No, don't spend the money. You don't even know the person. They might not even like you or accept the flower. And then you'll have gone out of your way for nothing." And - that could be true. The person may not accept my flower. And that's ok.
Or if I have a lot to do and my habit is to feel tense inside, instead of channeling that intensity into stress, I may channel into WEIRD. I’ll explain. Normally when I have a ton to do, I feel overwhelmed and stressed and hardened. This feels really bad. I find myself feeling helpless, buried under the stress. And I find myself making unhealthy choices either during or after, to escape this crummy feeling.
But then tonight in the car, I was in traffic. It had been a long day. I felt this intense energy in me that I could have channeled into frustration, which is a strong habit for me. Just “stopping” the intensity didn’t feel like an option. Once energy is building in a certain way, I’ve found trying to stop it only has the reverse effect.
And then I had that thought wishing I had a room to fully express my intensity and let it be weird. What is “weird” anyway, but DIFFERENT. Different from my routine. What is calling forth in this moment? And then the terradactal came through. Or, fire breathing dragon. Lol. Whatever it was. Fire breathing, glowing, piercing, clawing at the air with scales running through my fingers.
And I felt lighter after. I’d released a lot of that energy in a way that left me feeling giddy.
“I like hanging out with myself,” I thought in the car, laughing. "I'm having fun."
I continued the journey feeling the beats through my shoulders and chest. I started fist pumping and feeling the shake into my shoulders. Made some kind of crazy weaving design with my arms and fingers over the steering wheel (at the stop light).
I let myself relax and surrender to a different way of being, the one that was calling itself forth, and it felt SO RELEASING.
I’ve lived so much of my life with this perfectionist attitude:
“Don’t even try unless you’re going to be perfect, which you won’t be. So don’t try. You suck. Bam. Goodnight.”