Today

Today my word of the day is SAVOUR. 

Today I hold food in my mouth a little longer, letting it linger on my tongue.

Today I feel my exhale, letting the steamy air take its time sauntering down the back of my throat, and out my lips.

Today when I start to get anxious, and stress starts to hold my muscles hostage, I notice where this is happening in my body, and I dive into it, breathe, wiggle, body roll, whatever the moment calls for, but open myself up to life force flowing through me. 

Today when I rush, I notice that I'm rushing. And, I see what happens in that space.

October 17, 2016

Letter to my sisters

That particular uniquely "you" way of expressing yourself, your strength, your kindness, your glowing beauty (that you probably don't even see, but we all see you!!), your brilliant humor...I feel empowered to reveal more of me, to let down my guard, the more I spend time with you. And that feels so good!

I feel so happy playing with you, revealing my raw self as I get to see and love your raw self, sharing and bouncing ideas off each other. I feel inspired hearing what's most meaningful to you in this moment. 

This feels magical, this sisterhood blooming. 

I feel so happy and grateful I get to share this life with you.

Deepening

The ocean
Rises powerfully,
Allowing itself to fill out,
Expand
Out and up
Twirling
Curling
Roaring
Exploding
Until it’s moved through
Into
Calm
Sweet
Soothing
Frothy
Foamy
Relaxation

I ride the ocean and I feel good soaking in its freedom, its ups and its downs, its dynamic and organic range.

I wonder, bobbing in the waves, experiencing these pairs of opposites literally running through my body

Does my level of intensity in an experience determine my capacity to experience its opposite?

I think the ocean may have a lot to teach me.

Can I imagine the ocean holding itself back? Keeping itself pent up?? Keeping itself at the top of the wave all the time? Or in the clear, soft stirring above the sand... indefinitely?

Not only would holding this be impossible, but
Where would the “shhhhh” of the foam after the crash be?

The foam that I feel so much delight in scooping up into my hands like I’m in a bubble bath and blowing back into the salty air

Where would the foam be if the ocean stayed...status quo?

And I wonder

Have my painful most excruciating experiences, the moments where I have felt crushed and then ripped apart,
moved me through into an oceanic capacity for feeling love and all its varying forms?

I notice

Having experienced my most trapped moment
I now know what open spaces and freedom feel like

Having felt the sensation of my soul open ripping from my greatest terror
I feel the depths of what healing and nourishment to my soul feel like

Out of feeling so lonely, my heart feeling scrunched like a raisin,
Held so tightly, I turned inside out
Found myself in the center of a juicy strawberry
And now I taste the ripeness of intimacy
Fresh

Out of feeling helpless and small
I am experiencing flexing my muscles and feeling my strength

Out of what has felt like a bottomless well of sadness in my form
A black hole resting along my edges, pulling me into despair
Letting myself feel this swallowed-in feeling
its rushes and its power
I feel power
I feel what power feels like
I feel how much flesh I am
How much energy
Roaring

Opening

There are so many ways to be. There are so many ways to see. 

Jim Carrey. 

Meryl Streep.

Jared Leto.

Johnny Depp.

I admire these people in the spotlight because they’re not afraid to embody how the moment is striking them. 

I had this realization the other day. This is just one culture. This is just one way of doing things. Ways I’ve been taught. But if aliens came here, they’d start doing things in a whole different way. Stay with me...

I feel like there’s a way that the "human race" acts. As humans, we have this collective consciousness to do certain things. 

Within the human race there are also many differences. Different ideas on what is "right" and "wrong." 

Why do I put quotes around these words - "human race," "right," "wrong." 

All of them seem to be constructs. Not real. Identities created for us to feel safe. 

I watched this video and the girl is going fucking crazy. At first I laughed at how wild and out there it was. But on the 20th time watching it (I was so drawn in and initially wasn’t sure why)...
 It wouldn't let me embed the video, but this gives you a sense of her intensity. If you have a chance, check it out on my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/singerla, or here: https://www.facebook.com/MattSteeleActs/videos/1131519606940167/ Turn volume off or way down to start ;).

It wouldn't let me embed the video, but this gives you a sense of her intensity. If you have a chance, check it out on my Facebook page: www.facebook.com/singerla, or here: https://www.facebook.com/MattSteeleActs/videos/1131519606940167/
Turn volume off or way down to start ;).

...I started to feel inspired, and then… JEALOUS! That she got to let out that WILDNESS. TOTAL EXPLORATION. FREEDOM. The ferocity that I don’t feel allowed to express in my every day life. And it is me who is not allowing it. I feel afraid of ‘looking bad’ or people thinking I’m bad, crazy, ‘less than’ as a person. 

“It’s too much. Settle down. Think of the homeless people on the street. At least you have money and a roof over your head.” And it’s true. All of that is true.
But what the fuck. I realize I’m not doing myself (or the world for that matter) any favors by re-directing my attention away from my pain, or my WEIRD. And, how good is other people loving me anyway if I don’t love myself? And, are they really loving ME? Do they even know ME? How can they know me if I don't even fill out my own skin? 

And that’s been my big realization this past year. I barely love myself. There are so many parts of myself I feel are "wrong." And I’ve been wondering “why” and “what do I do?” There are so many people who want to tell me how to do that. Everyone seems to have a method to "love yourself" and that is a subject for another blog post. But in any case, the one thing I feel deep in my bones is that self-discovery (and self-love) is my journey to fill out.
I was driving home tonight and was thinking, “I’d like to have a room where I can just do anything I want, express in any way,” and then I thought, “um, why do I need a room, how about I start right now.” IN THE CAR. 

So, listening to my house music, I felt the inspiration move through my face, stretching it into all kinds of shapes. Stuck out my tongue. Exhaled a big fiery silent HAAAAAA and felt like a demon breathing fire. Eyes widened, my stare penetrated the license plate ahead.

After a few moments the expression passed. I was back to "regular" Laura, feeling a little lighter. I giggled at myself. 

How did the expression feel? 
Intense. Powerful. I felt, not human. In a way that felt so good. Different. In a new skin. Yes, I go back to my earlier assertion that there’s something constricting about acting “human.” 

And is it bad to act "human"? 
Not necessarily. 

I just feel delighted with awareness of my actions and habits.

And I’m new to this, but I’m thinking I can experience myself and the world from a richer place if I let down my walls, even my “human” ones. 

I of course understand I’m living in society. I'm not saying that I even want to run around wildly all the time. But when I’m honest with myself, there are so many moments I don’t need to be functioning from the small place I do. I'm relating to myself and others from a structure that is out of habit. Outdated. 

It's not a matter of humanness or non-humanness. It's - What feels the most real here? Underneath. When I pay attention. 

I may feel moved to buy a person a flower. My smaller, habituated mind would say, "No, don't spend the money. You don't even know the person. They might not even like you or accept the flower. And then you'll have gone out of your way for nothing." And - that could be true. The person may not accept my flower. And that's ok. 

Or if I have a lot to do and my habit is to feel tense inside, instead of channeling that intensity into stress, I may channel into WEIRD. I’ll explain. Normally when I have a ton to do, I feel overwhelmed and stressed and hardened. This feels really bad. I find myself feeling helpless, buried under the stress. And I find myself making unhealthy choices either during or after, to escape this crummy feeling.

But then tonight in the car, I was in traffic. It had been a long day. I felt this intense energy in me that I could have channeled into frustration, which is a strong habit for me. Just “stopping” the intensity didn’t feel like an option. Once energy is building in a certain way, I’ve found trying to stop it only has the reverse effect. 

And then I had that thought wishing I had a room to fully express my intensity and let it be weird. What is “weird” anyway, but DIFFERENT. Different from my routine. What is calling forth in this moment? And then the terradactal came through. Or, fire breathing dragon. Lol. Whatever it was. Fire breathing, glowing, piercing, clawing at the air with scales running through my fingers. 

And I felt lighter after. I’d released a lot of that energy in a way that left me feeling giddy. 

“I like hanging out with myself,” I thought in the car, laughing. "I'm having fun."

I continued the journey feeling the beats through my shoulders and chest. I started fist pumping and feeling the shake into my shoulders. Made some kind of crazy weaving design with my arms and fingers over the steering wheel (at the stop light). 

I let myself relax and surrender to a different way of being, the one that was calling itself forth, and it felt SO RELEASING.
I’ve lived so much of my life with this perfectionist attitude: 

“Don’t even try unless you’re going to be perfect, which you won’t be. So don’t try. You suck. Bam. Goodnight.”

And now I sit here in my bed writing. I feel expressions coming through my face. Here they come! 

Angry old geezer. Lizard. Turnip boy. Obsessive inside out girl. Lol. Lots of other faces that feel more fluid - don’t have names. 

Scratching my nails along my comforter. Feeling the cool soft folds bunch up under my fingertips. 

My big interest IN LIFE is to feel energy move through me organically. As in, I'm not forcing. Forcing feels bad, defeating, heavy. What feels so good to me is when I feel relaxed and open. I feel like a vessel through which I receive so many delightful experiences, and, intense expressions in a variety of flavors.  

I’m not looking to put on a show (not dissing anyone who is), but I am looking to be the clearest channel of whatever is moving through me. I want to let it reveal itself FULLY and ACTUALIZING (“actualizing” rather than “actualized” because we’re always growing, changing, transforming). 

When I'm wearing all these rigid walls within myself, telling myself that I must adhere to a certain pattern, I’m blocking off so much of this energy. And why have these rigid walls been in place? To protect me. That voice inside me says: “Do what they like, or else you won’t be loved.” But honestly, that hasn’t worked for me. I have love in my life and I have wonderful people and things that I am so grateful for. But, I also have been feeling this huge VOID… forever, really, or as long as I can remember. It’s been temporarily numbed at certain points in my life, but I am tired of avoiding it. “A” “void.” Oh my gosh: 

avoid  

A void 

If I avoid something, I’m creating a void. Woah. 
So here I am. Writing this blog is actually a breakthrough for me. Instead of going into the void to "a void" the tension, I'm curiously exploring it. And as I'm writing, I'm realizing that by pushing through my fear of sharing something that may isolate me in the eyes of others, I'm feeling confident, and calm. Honest expression is not about sharing to impress someone else. As much as I've known that theoretically for a long time, it's finally becoming true for me consciously. There is so much material here! And no one has to see it, ever. I may share, but it's not about that. I share if I think what I'm expressing may support someone else in honestly sharing. I'm not really sure how to end this blog, so, that's where I'll leave it.