Allowing itself to fill out,
Out and up
Until it’s moved through
I ride the ocean and I feel good soaking in its freedom, its ups and its downs, its dynamic and organic range.
I wonder, bobbing in the waves, experiencing these pairs of opposites literally running through my body
Does my level of intensity in an experience determine my capacity to experience its opposite?
I think the ocean may have a lot to teach me.
Can I imagine the ocean holding itself back? Keeping itself pent up?? Keeping itself at the top of the wave all the time? Or in the clear, soft stirring above the sand... indefinitely?
Not only would holding this be impossible, but
Where would the “shhhhh” of the foam after the crash be?
The foam that I feel so much delight in scooping up into my hands like I’m in a bubble bath and blowing back into the salty air
Where would the foam be if the ocean stayed...status quo?
And I wonder
Have my painful most excruciating experiences, the moments where I have felt crushed and then ripped apart,
moved me through into an oceanic capacity for feeling love and all its varying forms?
Having experienced my most trapped moment
I now know what open spaces and freedom feel like
Having felt the sensation of my soul open ripping from my greatest terror
I feel the depths of what healing and nourishment to my soul feel like
Out of feeling so lonely, my heart feeling scrunched like a raisin,
Held so tightly, I turned inside out
Found myself in the center of a juicy strawberry
And now I taste the ripeness of intimacy
Out of feeling helpless and small
I am experiencing flexing my muscles and feeling my strength
Out of what has felt like a bottomless well of sadness in my form
A black hole resting along my edges, pulling me into despair
Letting myself feel this swallowed-in feeling
its rushes and its power
I feel power
I feel what power feels like
I feel how much flesh I am
How much energy