Honesty, Ch. 2 Fuck.

Fuuuuuuuck. I feel so much pain. I want this to go my way so badly. I want to control this. And I can’t. And I’m hurting. I feel so much pain. Like a wall inside me. Hmm, is that wall the ‘wanting my way’ wall that I’m physically feeling? It feels like a block. Hmm. Is my focusing really hard on what I want a block? It seems like it is - a block to being present to what’s actually here. A block to what would actually be coming into my life if I didn’t have a wall up. Hmm. Does letting go of what I think I want create opening? 

Each time I think back to that thing that I want, I feel that wall form inside my chest again. Up to my throat. Sending out little pinges of tension throughout my arms and into my belly. 

And then letting go of that thing for a moment, taking my attention out of the wanting, the somewhere else, by acknowledging my longing experience here on paper, bringing my mind here and just accepting what’s actually happening now, me, sitting here, "boring," recording to myself the most real sensations I'm having feels… allowing. 

Longing feels like tension. Longing feels like an unbreakable wall. I feel small in it.

Focusing on what’s happening now - as uncomfortable and painful as it is - feels calming. And powerful. I feel power gathering here. In this landscape. Depth. Layers. Vastness, unknown. In these spaces. I feel warm energy building.